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Introducing Your New Friend to the Kids
By Rochelle Caviness
Being a single parent is never easy, and one of the biggest obstacles you can face is introducing your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your kids. If handled incorrectly, your children may resent your new friend, however with a little preplanning you can help your children adjust to your new friend with a minimum of stress.
Talk to Your Kids
Don't surprise your kids with your new friend. Let them know, before hand, that you have a new friend and that you would like your kids to meet him or her. The best way to do this is to take the time to have an honest talk with your kids.
The Introduction
When your kids first meet your new friend, don't be surprised if they act up. Meeting your new friend can be a traumatic experience for the kids, especially if they view the new friend as an intruder.
Plan group activities that your kids and your new friend can participate in together. This will help them learn to grow to like, or at least tolerate, each other. Remember that jealousy is a two-way street. Your new friend may be just as jealous of your kids as they are of the new friend.
Plan private dates with your new friend, and inform your kids that you will occasionally be going out alone with your new friend. Don't ask their permission! You are the parent. Be kind, but be firm. Let them know that you understand that they may be unhappy and that you will do what you can to help alleviate their anger and their fear, but that you are going out - period. If you stand your ground, they will adjust to the situation.
Remember that you have a right to date and to bring new friends over to your house. Your kids also need to know that they are loved and that you will never abandon them in favor of your new friend.
While on a Date
When you first begin to date, your toddlers may be fearful that you will forget about them or that they may not be able to get a hold of you if they really need to.
Having Your Friend Sleep Over
Allowing your friend to sleep over can be a difficult discussion to make. You need to take into consideration your own moral standings, as well as how the 'sleep over' will affect the kids. Will they see the sleep over a sign that you are now 'married'? Will they view it as if you are making the new friend into a new parent? What will happen when the friend stops sleeping over?
If you allow your friend to sleep over, let your kids know. You don't have to go into details about why the friend is sleeping over, or what the sleeping arrangements will be. Just let them know. Otherwise, it can be very traumatic if they see 'the friend' walking out of your bedroom in the morning.
What to do if your kids are not adjusting to the new situation
If your kids are having trouble dealing with the fact that you have a new friend, you may want to consider going with them to see a counselor. While most toddlers will gradually adjust to the presence of your new friend, some may not. This is more likely to arise if you went through a difficult breakup or if your partner died or disappeared suddenly.
Always consult your doctor for medical advice.
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